Red.

My hair color. 

I feel like rambling.

Why do I dye my hair red? Every male in my life has asked me that, except two. My youngest brother and my late husband are the only two who got it or knew better than to question my "eccentric" behavior.

I was still shitting in my pants when I watched The Little Mermaid VHS one too many times and the tape was officially busted. My parents had to buy me another one. The Little Mermaid defined my life in so many ways, it sounds completely insane, I know...because it is. I wanted to be a mermaid, I was determined to find a way. The only people who had the patience enough to teach me were my Grama and my cousin, Nichole. Grama coached me from the sidelines of her pool, Nichole was so patient and sweet when teaching me how to doggy-paddle. Teaching me to swim meant so much to me, and still does. I became a mermaid. I was Ariel. Free to twirl around underwater with my hair flowing behind me. My cousins and I even had underwater tea parties in my Grama's pool.

I was about 13 years old, fresh out of military boarding school, about to skip yet another grade and embark on the dreaded journey of public school when my Grama took me clothes shopping. There was K-Mart going out of business in the area so we went there. I found a leather Joe Boxer skirt and this box of red hair dye. The girl on the front looked so mermaidish, I had to have it. It was closeout, how could Grama say no. I asked her and she said I was going into high school so I was old enough to dye my hair.

My mother was pissed when I came home with a box of hair dye, but she couldn't say a thing because Grama had said it was ok. A few days later when I walked out the bathroom with my long flowing red hair my mother had tears in her eyes and told me how beautiful I was. No matter how poor we were there were things that were on our list of priorities in our life...my hair dye was now on there with cigarettes, gas, football money, FFA money, and the internet bill.

My roots were showing a few days before my wedding and my in-laws to be let me in the master bathroom with future husband to dye my hair. Before I went to the hospital with my girls to have them, I dyed my hair. I couldn't have roots showing in my pictures, be damned with the three headed baby horror stories, I'm a mermaid. I will dye my hair. I've even included specific instructions on my burial...which include literally being late to my own funeral and not having any roots showing.
I still remember reading The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson and sobbing, it's a beautifully sad story. Between Hans and Walt my obsession with THAT 15/16 year old mermaid is borderline insane...and I love it.

My red hair is a part of me. It makes me happy. If I'm depressed more than likely my color has faded and those roots are poking out. I'd like to think it makes me happy because it's my free spirit shinning as bright on the outside as it does in...but in reality...I'm probably just addicted to the fumes by now.

Adventures with snake oil,...erm, coconut oil.

What on earth has come over me?

My tot was trying to push out a massive poop at a friend's house on Easter. It was pitiful and hurt my heart. Poor kid was stopped up. My friend busts out some coconut oil and gives the baby a spoonful, shit at this point, it can't hurt for future poops, but obviously it didn't help the one in the chamber. She mentions a gal pal of hers doing "oil pulling." Da fuk is that?

Excerpt from another site:

"To oil pull, simply swish your choice of unrefined, high quality oil in your mouth; similar to the way you would use a mouthwash. My favorite is coconut oil. This can be done anywhere from five to 20 minutes. The process attracts and removes bacteria, toxins, and parasites that live in your mouth or lymph system, and also pulls congestion and mucus from your throat and loosens up your sinuses, which is amazing! With the help of your saliva, all these scary undesirables bind with the oil, ready to be disposed of. Pulling also helps re-mineralize your teeth and strengthen your gums by thoroughly cleansing the area. This sounds good, right?"

...right, lady.

If you jump on my train to crazy town, just remember, spit...don't swallow. After swishing anything around in a nasty mouth for 20 minutes...it's no longer fit for consumption. Don't put it down the sink or shower...flush it or trash it, it can cause plumbing problems.


I went and bought some of that coconut oil. It's solid up until 76 degrees so it looks like lard, yeah...yuck. I did some oil pulling and was disgusted with what came out of my mouth. Gross. Holy fuck.

I'm testing it's ability to whiten to my teeth at the moment...two days in, teeth look the same to me, but my teeth do legit FEEL cleaner. Meh, try anything once...twice if I like it.

I got to thinking what else can this snake oil do...

There are so many wild claims on this shit, I even read where people are saying it will help with HIV...wtf "bloggosphere"? The shit this holy oil is said to do is unreal, just google it and be ready to laugh. A link to crazy shit it's claimed to do, like the following, "122. Genital Warts (through topical application over 6 weeks, and coconut oil enemas twice a day depending on the location of the warts)." Also on that list was Candida killer...oh really...hmmm.

If you think you know me personally...let's set the record straight,...you don't know me until I've talked about my lactation and dry vagina that never stretches open. If you've never heard me speak of those things and you want to maintain a slightly normal perception of me stop reading.

I googled about this candida Rambo and seems to have a wobbly leg to stand on comprised of medium chain fatty acids and other shit I slept thru in science class. So yesterday and today I ATE coconut oil! I fucking took a spoon, scooped it out the jar, put it in my mouth then swallowed it!

 Waiting to see if I have any "die off" effects (similar to diflucan regimen that I've done previous) to confirm it's working. Candida loves me, all of me. My mouth, vagina, intestines, and vulva. Soooo gross, right? I wipe front to back, I don't douche, I don't eat a loaf of bread a day, I don't really drink beer-- 2 or3 a month and maybe I'll get drunk on Vacation. What gives? Stay tuned for Coconut Oil Vs. Yeast.


Also within the past 48 hours: I put it on my face, legs, lips, and hair. The only thing that seems kind of icky to me...My face looks nice...better than normal...but if you touch it, it feels oily. Doesn't look oily, but feels oily...will try using even less next time.

In Summary:
It appears as though coconut oil can be good for your oral health, there are even a few journal articles illustrating its effectiveness to treat gingivitis. Is it going to help my flora defeat the dough boy--remains to be seen. People have apparently been using it forever for their hair and face...I'm just late to the game. Curious as to if my pores will shrink, will monitor progress and report back.

Vodka Tamponing?

I guess I should start out by saying: I've never used a vodka tampon or intend to, you shouldn't either--it'll probably kill your ass in a New York Minute...however long that is.